VMC Day 8

Posted retrospectively

Shelburne, Mass - The wise teacher SN Goenka did not lie. After two days of feeling this overwhelming rush of energy coursing through my body, on Day 8, it stopped. Nothing was left but aches and pains and itches and very cold feet. I went back to the "part by part" scan of my body, analyzing each body part for some sign of life, some sensation, any sensation.

Considering how intense Days 6 and 7 were, I was a little relieved when I woke up on Day 8 to find that my body had quieted down. On the other hand, meditation became a lot less interesting, and I found my mind wandering off to all corners of the universe.

Of course, the last thing you want to do is develop a "craving" for funky electric currents going through your body, as this would defeat the whole purpose. So I tried to observe what was happening in there without judgement or reaction, "without attraction or aversion" as they say.

The previous night, Goenka had commenced the Dhamma Discourse as he did every night, announcing "Day 7 is over. You have 3 more days left to work..."

"But," he went on, "You have only two days to work seriously, since Noble Silence ends in the morning on Day 10."

This was news to me. Two days! I couldn't believe we had only two days left! I was ecstatic. This process which had seemed endless was suddenly nearing its end.

For better or worse, this revelation really changed my frame of mind. I'm sure it is one of the reasons that "the flow" stopped on Day 8. It certainly affected my ability to concentrate. Instead, I was thinking about what was happening at home in the pink house, and how soon I would be there too.

Suddenly, I had no tolerance for the myriad rules at VMC. The place is littered with signs reminding you to remove your shoes, to limit the length of your shower, to refrain from flushing anything besides toilet paper, to stay within the course boundaries, to walk quietly in the halls, etc etc. "Signs, signs, everywhere are signs, blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that. Can't you read the signs?"

I understand the point of all these signs. Nobody wants to break the silence to tell you what to do or not to do. The course - indeed the entire facility - is designed to ensure a smooth operation of the teaching. But suddenly I couldn't stand it anymore. I also couldn't stand the fact that the entire facility was kept at 60 degrees or the fact that my roommate cleaned the bathroom every other day. (God knows why I had a problem with that - I hadn't cleaned it once.)

I was done. I had sat through 10 hours of meditation each day - diligently - without skipping (except once, when I didn't feel well, but that was a legitimate excuse). I had learned a lot about the philosophy behind Vipassana and appreciated its wisdom. I had no problem sitting with adhitthanna, or strong determination, meaning sitting for one hour without shifting positions. I had experienced "the flow" of energy through the body and observed it without aversion or attraction.

But now I was done. It was time to go home.

Unfortunately, I still had three days left to work.

After observing my wandering mind too many times, I slipped out of the afternoon meditation early and returned to my room. I was in a funk, feeling sorry for myself for being cold and homesick, feeling exasperated for getting myself into such a situation.

I sat on my bed and sniffled. I believe it had been an emotional week for many (it was not unusual to hear crying in the meditation hall). But for me it had been a week of happiness and hopefulness, a little bit of anxiety, a lot of curiosity, and overall equanimity. This was the first time that intense negativity was coming up.

Where's your equanimity now? I wondered.

Suddenly, it dawned on me. I wasn't done yet. I had had a pretty easy time of it so far. But now I finally had the opportunity to put into practice all these teachings that I had been hearing about all week. Here was a real live situation that I knew was temporary. You'll be home in three days, I reminded myself. Chill out and finish what you came here to do. Here was my opportunity to observe without reacting, recognizing the value of what is happening in the present moment and understanding that it will soon pass. Anicca. Anicca.

Next: VMC Day 10